on your mark... get set...

am clueless about 2007 but here are some of the more important things i've learnt in 2006:

-food tastes so much better in the company of close friends
-i make killer muffins!!
-bermuda is not part of the bahamas
-sharing a life (with the right person) is worth the wait
-celebrate today. tomorrow may come with much sorrow
-always, always put aside some money if you think you'll ever get married... esp. if you want to kahwin lari
-am anal retentive, semak sikit je and i boleh naik giler
-someone needs to give dubya a real tight head slap to wipe that smirk off his face
-you will definitely gain weight if all you do (all day) is watch soap operas and eat yummy brownies
-breaking up with someone you still love is hard. very hard
-am not very 'animated' without my friends
-milo tastes so much better in malaysia
-contrary to popular belief, am not ready to be a mommy yet
-my (pink) kitchen aid mixer can do magic!!
-am without a doubt, not a morning person
-moving away from one's comfort zone is an uphill battle
-i don't love britney no more ya'll. her p**** is yucky
-no job = no money = no independence = no peace of mind? (the jury is still out on this one...)
-gq is a kiddie mag. vanity fair rocks!
-writing is the surest bet to keep my sanity intact
-take a gazillion pictures of those you love (esp. when they're making stoopid faces). you'll never know when you need a good picker-upper
-not all men are scum but the few who are should meet john bobbit's fate
-love alone does not suffice. respect, trust and the ability to melawak help make a relationship work
-skinny jeans are created for those with 'landing strip' asses. yeeehaaaaw!
-pak lah without endon is pak lah without a backbone
-life is short. be kind, smile more and stop saving your fancy sheets for those so-called 'special' occasions
-malaysia has my heart

happy 2007. may it be significant and "spark"ling in more ways than one. keep safe :)

membesar sebagai johan

"Ambition is the last refuge of the failure"

Oscar Wilde

2006 is almost over. pejam celik, pejam celik, time certainly did go by so fast. and for the first time in many many years, am without job, ambition nor resolution. giler ke hape?

when i was busy slaving myself away infront of those damned editing machines once upon a time, one thought kept playing in my head, "bila la bila aku nak berenti kerja ni?" i kept bitching about my ungodly working hours, time spent away from my family, friends... good food. my right brain was, on several occasions, screaming murder. THAT was not the life i should be living. or so i thought.

now that am jobless and with absolutely nothing but time on my hands, i begin to wonder if i should have wished for something other than the gift of listlessness. hmmm...

*and if mr. wilde was right, then i must be the biggest success story of the new year. nice.

santa mu santa ku jua...

it was supposed to happen at 6:30pm. sharp. i started shitting in my pj's 5 hours before that.

a week ago my friendly neighbors gave out colorful flyers informing us that today will be the day that a throng of kids will go door-to-door singing christmas carols. i read that and my first reaction was, "yaaay fun!" then it hit me. what do i, a person who doesn't even know the difference between protestants, catholics and evangelicals, know about christmas carol rituals? i began to menggelabah...

what do i do when they come knocking? open the door, hold a candle, pretend to hum "la, la, la, la" and sway my body in full carol rhythm? or do i smile, hand out treats then wave them away? or better still, do i admit that am an ignorant bitch who thought "i saw mommy kissing santa claus" was a song about a two-timing whore? i was in trouble.

so i did the obvious. i started shutting the blinds at 6, turned off all the lights at 6:15 and muted the tv at 6:25. by 6:30pm, our house was 'empty.'

everything went according to plan but like all drama swasta takde bajet, something had to go wrong. at exactly 6:37 i felt the urge to 'go.' no, no, not #1... #2!! i didn't know what to do -- the bathroom is outside, at the end of the hallway and am trapped inside, in the master bedroom. and in the dark!

so what's a girl of my caliber do? i paced around in circles and when that didn't work, i jumped up and down, moaning cibai, cibai, cibai under my breath like a thief who just stubbed his toe against the leg of an unseen table. what if i dash out and the kids are already at the door? aiyo, die la like this...

then i heard the engine. YES!! my knight in his not so shiny kapcai is back!! i carefully peeked through the blinds and when i saw that it was really him, i unlocked myself, waved hello and ran like a speeding bullet to the bathroom. aaaaaaaaaaaahhh.... as i sat down smiling, i thought to myself, "padan muka dia, now it's his problem."

but because we're birds of the same feather, he decided that he too was chicken shit. so we crept out the door (sans porch lights) and headed straight for the bike. and as he was struggling with the passenger footrests, i heard a familiar sound. i looked to my right and they there were, the christmas carolers, all laughter and smiles, singing their little hearts out.

a part of me felt a huge sense of relief for not having to pretend to be all cool and slick about christmas caroling but the other part of me felt regret. am one who's always up for a jolly good time and the look on the children's faces clearly screams jolly with a capital J but because i let fear get the better of me today, i missed out on a beautiful thing.

moral of the story: i need to learn some christmas carols and the do's and don'ts for next year's bash. that and am also printing out lyrics to "lagu tiga kupang" for the kids to memorize. that way when i come knocking on their doors asking them to join me in my celebrations, they won't run away scared and shitting in their pants :)

have a merry christmas yo!!

in memoriam

not much happened last week. live. breathe. same ol same ol. i was bored to DEATH. then an offline message. "sm passed away this morning..."

that jolted me. hard. i stared into space, not knowing what to think. 31. she was just 31.

then it all came rushing back. she was the very first person, with her smiling eyes and rambut tocang, who was brave enough to befriend me when i landed in convent kota in standard two. she had the skinniest legs ever. she (ok, her mom) threw some of the fun-nest birthday parties a kid could wish for. she was one of my best 'bicycle buddies'... always willing to take the trip up and down the hill to get to my place. she had a visible whitish stain on one of her front teeth. she held my hand, booed the rest but cheered me on at a pertandingan bercerita at anderson, ipoh. she had the biggest heart.

life happened and like most childhood friendships, she and i fizzled. but in that little time we spent together, she was to me, a wonderful friend, a warm fuzzy ball of delight to have around.

another very close friend of mine 'left' me a few years back. the ‘big c’ took her two days before my 26th birthday and her death set my world into a tailspin. always a survivor, we never talked about death, we only spoke about the joys of living. when her colleague called to say that she was in icu, i took my own sweet time -- powdered on some make-up, perfected my mascara -- only to arrive five minutes too late. i never did get to say bye-bye.

last year i went to a funeral filled with a sea of young faces. to be honest, i still don’t know why i braved the rain to pay my last respects -- i hardly knew the deceased. the only thing we had in common was our love for the spoken words but on the very few occasions that we did meet, i remember thinking, “this chick will go places…” indeed she did but it was a trip cut too short, too soon. she was barely 30.

i don’t know what to make of this. of DEATH. no matter how many ‘early’ goodbyes i’ve had the misfortune of soldiering through, it never does get any easier. the shock, denial, sadness, anger, acceptance… practice certainly doesn’t make it perfect.

my aunt passed away recently and a few days before she drew her final breath, she looked me in the eye and said, “nanti kita jumpa lagi yer…” scared and unprepared as i may be, i hope to God i will meet her again one day. her and the very important few i never got a chance to say goodbye to…


*syerina is on the right. pejoh was one of her good friends. still is.