jangan tunggu lama-lama...

it's may. 2007. same time almost 10 years ago, i graduated into life.

i don't remember much about that rainy day except that my parents were there. happy, giddy, ayah even borrowed a button down suit from my brother for the ocassion. the rain got into our eyes but we didn't care, we were oblivious to our surroundings. cik looked terrified in most of the pictures. i don't think she's ever seen that many mat salleh mabuk around her as she did that morning.

i also remember thinking, "wow! this is it. am done. am ready to face the world." yeah, right. who was i kidding? looking up at the heavens above, i was almost sure i was crapping in my pants...

go to any job interview and one of the questions they'll ask is, "where do you see yourself in 5-10 years?" i never did know how to answer that question. while all my close friends were busy lining up job interviews with fortune 500 companies during career week, i was actively living up to my proverbial slacker status. i spent months trying to decide whether or not i should just bum around kl for a whole year or continue on to graduate school immediately. the latter obviously didn't happen (long story) so for well under twelve months, i ended up doing absolutely everything unproductive with what little money i had. life was going pretty good until people around me, people MY age, started exchanging that lil' rectangular pieces of paper called business cards. "saya sam. s-u-m. sam." holy fuck. i was terrified. and that's when i really started thinking about what i was gonna do for the next 5-10 years of my life...

today, after several meaningful career changes (and mishaps), am back to square one. i have no job and no set goals for the future. one would think that at almost 32, i would actually have a blueprint of what lies ahead. right? wrong. i am now at my clueless-ness peak. and once again, i am awfully terrified.

i was supposed to attend two cooking courses to learn about the complexity of french pastries. i kept checking the calendar, week in and week out, making sure that i don't miss those dates i circled. guess what? i missed those dates. i am so angry at myself. living here, with no real responsibilities, no set purpose in life, i tend to forget the day, the date, the month, the year. i know my classes are in may but what i didn't realize... it's already may. i am unfortunately, still stuck at fucking april.

i can't live like this. i won't live like this. bak kata the king of pop, "am gonna make a change for once in my life, it's gonna feel real good, gonna make a difference, gonna make it right." am of course not gonna start molesting little boys (although i really don't mind younger men heheh) but what i intend to do now is make some adjustments to my monotonous island existence. no more chatting online til the wee hours of the morning, enough staying in bed after 10am -- sleep early, wake up fresh. am gonna start running again and yes, i will even (God save my soul) take up that offer to golf. i promise to be more serious about my baking (that's my cupcake up there!) and being 'green.' who knows, if am really good at this change for the better thingie, i might even have a baby. *gasp* you're right, let's not push it...

will i make it? who knows, but i certainly don't wanna wait another 5-10 years to find out.

the bitch is back in full swing babeeey!!