regretrospective

okay am a klepto. no, no, not krypto(nite) like superman. klepto, like a thief. what the fuck you say? yessss... i steal things. stole things. past tense. i've exorcised myself from that nasty habit a while back and am happy to report that... i'm fully cured. okay, okay, semi-cured. geez... can i lie already? it's MY blog...

it started when i was in secondary school. i blame it on my friend, let's just call her A. it was a rainy day, all of us girls stuck in our dorm with nowhere to go. before anyone had the chance to turn on the radio to listen to fiona by 4u2c, A then bukak cerita about another fateful rainy day when she had to steal a payung from yaohan the mall, 'the' hippest hang-out in kl at the time. we all gasped and she quickly came to her own defense claiming, "bukan aku nak beb, tapi terpaksa... hujan lebat masa tu, aku takde payung... camna nak balik sekolah." she walked in, picked a color, then walked out. no alarmed sounded, nothing happened. the pak guard even helped her open the umbrella at the front entrance. most of us looked at her in horror. i looked at her with wonder.

i wouldn't call myself a criminal -- i don't go for the big stuff and i lay off money and food. hey, i may be a crook but i've got principles okay? i take things that i believe (in my own distorted mind) are tagged way more expensive than what it should be. say a pencil is worth 50cents but because it's sold in a fancy shop, the price skyrockets to $3. this to me is a complete injustice. what is the solution to this problem? steal it. not that i couldn't afford the damned pencil but once again, it's about basic principles. "penjual tidak sepatutnya menipu pembeli." i learned that in perdagangan in form 2. who ever said m'sia has a bad education system?

a friend once dared me to steal from fao schwartz, that giant toystore in nyc. i was like, "are you nuts? am gonna get caught la wei!!" he just looked at me and i looked back at him. then i snuck something in my jacket pocket and walked out. smiling, with no alarm blarring. i never felt more alive.

those days are long gone believe you me. am too old for that cat and mouse game. my boobs are sagging, i got nothing to distract the authorities. but yesterday, as i was walking around this lil canadian town, the klepto-ness in me, started to resurface.

it's not like i wanted to really steal anything. i mean, hello??? it's halifax for god's sake, what is there worth stealing??!! yeah yeah, it's pretty and all but you can't steal beauty. believe it or not, the ol' thief in me just wanted some attention, to get some decent conversation out of the other person. okay "you have the right to remain silent..." is not really a good ice breaker but gimme something already! anything!

i've always led a full life -- friends, family, pyschos... am never alone. whenever i needed to talk, to hear a story, laugh, cry, vent, i've always had someone for every occassion. my world was never silent. some people have quiet dreams, i can't find the mute button to mine. but for more than a month now, am living my worst nightmare -- decent conversation out, small talk in. i don't expect the checkout girl at the atlantic supermarket to understand my need for cabai burung, but come on, at least look me in the eyes when you're dissing me. no one seems to care about what i have to say anymore. and dammit, that makes me wanna steal something.

at least when i get caught, the shopkeeper would ask me questions like "why did you do it, how many bic pens did you take, what kind of an idiot are you" and by the time the police officer gets in, i'll already be on a roll. think about it, there i am in the backseat of a squadcar, looking all doe-eyed and innocent... man, the possibilities are endless. we could talk about that two-way radio mounted on the dashboard, the high-tech global positioning system, he could even let me play with the sirens (okay, i watch too much csi i know). and when we get to the station, we could, over coffee and doughnut, discuss condi rice and her supposed romantic relationship with the canadian foreign affairs minister, mr. peter mackay. "that gatal bitch, has she no shame?" we could laugh, talk some more and then he could throw me into the lock-up. yay... more friends!!

the point am trying to drive home is this -- i miss my buddies back home. yes, YOU.

being here for more than a month already, without any real friends to call my own, am reduced to having impersonal conversations with those i meet daily, complete strangers mostly. here's the thing, people who know me know that i don't do impersonal -- 10 minutes with me and all your cerita maknenek will come out. yes, am that good of a kepochi. but because i know i won't be here that much longer, i refuse to make the extra effort to be all chummy with all the mat and minah sallehs, to ask anything beyond the weather. fine and dandy right, no strings attached? wrong. my life now becomes superficial -- no more meaningful conversations, no real depth to any human interaction. this kinda lifestyle is so excruciatingly painful to me, it's almost as if i am watching that malaysian all-girl group, elite, lip-sync on stage.

for the record, no i did not steal anything. but i have to tell you, am getting awfully desperate. with no friends, no heartfelt one-on-ones... a girl can definitely break under pressure. but if and when i do succumb to the devil, i'm gonna blame it all on YOU for abandoning me like this. and when that day comes, you damn well better be ready will bail money...