dan pemenangnya ialah...

woaaaahhh!!! i've won the THINKING BLOGGER award!! me?? thinking?? shopper mom must be high on glue or something. someone hose her down quick!!

i have no idea who she really is -- no name, no face, nada. she ain't giving me anything. all i know is that she's downright crazy about shopping, thinks am somewhat of a nutcase (she's sharp, this one tehehehe...) and somehow my bouts of neurosis gets her juices flowing. nice :)

two things:

1) thank you so much, i really appreciate the honor.
am at my wits end here in bermuda and that's mostly why i write. i never aim to be smart nor do i aspire to be the next james frey-like chump of an author. i miss my friends dearly and the easieast way for me to get my drama across (my days of bergayut berjam-jam on the phone are over man) is via the blog. these are my stories -- my insecurities, my beliefs, my fear, my anger, MY shit. i never pretended to be someone am not. and if my written words get people thinking and/or ketawa terkekeh kekeh... hey, that's a big bonus :)

2) damn you shopper mom, it's all downhill from here.
i've never won anything before (if you don't count that hari raya hamper from menara kl full of benda makan mengarut) so this recognition is huge to me. but hell, what now? you said you read my blog because i occasionally tickle your funny bones. shit. now everyone who has the bad fortune of stumbling onto my blog will expect me to be funny. mampos. i don't do very well under pressure you know. if this was the academy awards and i just won best actress, i'd be cashing my pre-nup check right about now.

either way, terima kasih banyak-banyak for letting me believe, even if it's just for a fraction of a second, that i too, a person who got f9 for spm add maths (sebab tulis surat cinta instead of tulis jawapan), can inspire thinking. cikgu eni would be oh so proud.

now i have to think of 5 blogs (other than my friends') that have the same effect on ME. hmmmm...

dina zaman -- because she makes writing about the hardest topics look so easy. and because she sounds like someone i'd be friends with.
suhaimi sulaiman -- because he's fearless. no walls, just words.
3540 jalan sudin -- because i love her tuesdays with bapak series. they tug at the heart. and am sentimental that way.
write lah! -- because i once thought he was cute. and because i love good writers who are genuinely worth the read.
perez hilton -- because am a gossip whore.

eh, dah penat-penat pikir ni tak dapat trophy ke, ape ke?

dear mr. president

i've always loved pink -- now, i really know why. what would happen you think, if ade artis m'sia actually writes a similar song to our dear pm?

mama malaysia

i wrote this when i was in m'sia but for some technical reason, wasn't able to get it posted on my blog. i don't wanna press delete.

i've decided that i really do love my home. and its people.

well, some of them at least.

i had my mammogram done last friday. the wait was torture but the experience was anything but. i sat around a group of very interesting middle-aged ladies who were insistent that am chinese. i told them "no, no, saye melayu..." but no one seemed to buy my story. i usually get annoyed and/or offended when strangers give me the "eh muka cina, kenapa nama melayu" third degree but this time, i felt amused by their endless inquisitions. maybe it was the radioactive kicking in or maybe it was just the fact that i was already eavesdropping on their conversations way before they started shifting their focus on me.

"hiya, why don't you go to that famous senseh on jalan silang? yes lah, those shophouses maaah... can buang all your angin one..."

"she's 64 ke?! she looks sooo young!! do you know she's 64?? kulit sume tegang macam umur 50 tahun ni!! malu la i like this. you... you how old?"

"you think i'm fat now? auntie, you should tengok me a few months ago. i'm double my size. you tau i buat ape selama ni? i tak makan nasi you know..."

"eh why you're here one? you sooo young. you're lucky you know. we're old like this only know about this mammogram business. eh but yes la yes, it's never too late for aything. smart la you."

"your mom and sisters had breast cancer? don't worry, don't worry. everything will be alright. i'm 64. i know."

to most, these women may sound like people who love to jaga tepi kain orang but if you ask me, i believe those "kakak-kakak" i met were genuinely concerned and interested in the myriad of stories surrounding them... and i for one, found their spirit of camaraderie, weirdly comforting.

i've been back for slightly more than 3 weeks now and so far, the hot topic of discussion that keeps popping up in my daily conversations with friends and families (apart from "kenapa linda onn tidak muncul di karpet merah oscars") is how corrupt (malay)sians politicians are. pak lah, kj, state government officials... semua sama. semua makan duit rakyat. values are lost, personal integrity squandered. i shudder to think about what's gonna happen to this country in 15-20 years. the way our so-called leaders are running malaysia today, i don't even know if my unborn children will have a tanahair they can proudly call home tomorrow... *sigh*

it was my good fortune to have met the ladies at the national cancer society in kampung baru. they may not be some hoity toity puan sri's or datin sri's with coiffured hair and million dollar homes to boot but they were to me, the genuine articles. the real hands that rock our future cradles. they may (to some) lack all the worldly sophistication but they come fully loaded with conviction and very good intentions. jenis yang tak mintak disogok duit -- buat kerja, beri nasihat dengan hati yang ikhlas.

and if those man-eating $harks don't get to them (and their kind) fast enough, i can honestly say, masih ada harapan untuk malaysia... to at least continue to grow as a country we all can be proud of to call home.

i need some answers!!

okay someone puhleeeseee explain this to me now -- why the hell is GNOME not pronounced 'je-nome'...?!!! why is it only 'nome?' where did that G disappear to? what, was the G soooo unimportant that she has to be left out of the word's pronounciation?! gorilla is no 'o-rilla' and giraffe certainly ain't 'ee-raffe' so who pandai-pandai silenced the damned G?!

and the more important question is, what the hell are gnomes anyway? are they santa's lil bastards or just some unemployed midgets standing around scaring off the neighborhood kids?!

someone get me something to do!! NOW!!

intro to weirdness 101

i've been tagged!! i've been tagged!! I HAVE BEEN TAGGED!!!

okay, as peghak as it may sound, am so excited to the point of being giddy. tangan tangan habih menggeletar sume ni. yes, yes, i know being "tagged" is not a big deal but excuseeeeeeeeeeee me!!! L has given me a reason to write about something other than my mundane life so that to me, is a big cause to celebrate!!

"People who are tagged should write a blog post of 6 weird things about them as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave a comment that says ‘you are tagged’ in their comments and tell them to read your blog."

6 weird things about me? matila, we're gonna be here all day. but okay, before we begin, lemme just say that i don't find any of my "traits" weird. i simply call them... "unique." as long as we're all clear on that...

1. i have great fascination for two human inventions: post-it notes and squeegees.
i don't really care about the latest iphone or the hoopla surrounding blu-ray discs nor do i give a rat's ass about the all-new bmw x5. but ask me about the two things in life that make my lil' head spin with wonder (apart from heinz ketchup which we will get to in a moment!) and my face will go kelip kelap kelip kelap. one, the super stationery solution called post-it notes and two, that blade-like thingie the banglas use to clean your car windshield and all things glass, the squeegees. i can't fully explain why i like them so much or when my fascination started but all i know is this -- i steal post-it notes every chance i get and a certain area in my body gets a certain kind of "itch" everytime i see a squeeqee being used. there. weird enough for you?

2. i like to examine my stool sample.
yes, my poop. i like to study them. you know, after those "brrrrrrtttttt, plop plop plop" and all the "aaaaahhhhsss," i'd look down into the toilet bowl and really take the time to examine my poop. you think am sick? elehhh... sudah lah! put it this way, some of you ladies out there have babies right... and day in day out, you feel responsible for that little creature that came out of YOU. you clean your tots, you check to see if they they need anything and you make sure things are alrite because you want the product of your own invention to be at its maximum potential. right? yeah, same thing with me and my poopies -- i feel a sense of pride and ownership when it comes to them. i know i've been a good girl if it's fat and juicy, a dehydrated whore if they're green and stinky and an absolute champ if it's an endless, "uninterrupted" production -- no breaks in between, just one clean, long, twirly line of poop. that's when am proudest. i used to compare my "success" stories with one of my close guy friends but his then awek now wife was really turned off by that so we stopped having our mindless chatter. but that doesn't mean i've put a complete full stop to being gross... :)

3. i like to look at women.
i'm no ellen nor rosie but i have to admit that i do "appreciate" the fairer sex. especially their bosoms. unlike most women who would stand around oogling at good looking men, my eyes have always been drawn to those female passerbys with nice set of racks. i don't just look, i would instead compare sample a to sample b and c and then proceed to grade their goods. i don't like em' too big like pam anderson, i value those of vanessa minnillo's (mtv vj and nick lachey's man purse) and especially scarlett johansson's -- just the right size, with the right amount of kelondehan. that's when you know the tatas are the real deal. my perverted male friends (and husband) love that i think the way they do -- we'd get into heated discussions about bra sizes, maintaining perky breasts, hantu kopek and all sorts of nonsense our r-rated minds can conjure. and when all is said and done, i'd go back to looking at dem apples...

4. i sometimes daydream about "flying."
for years, to get home from work, i would frequent that fly-over from jalan kuching heading into jalan sultan ismail (the one near sime darby). and every single time i was at that elevated position, at that specific corner overlooking the sungai down below, i would always ask myself, "how would it feel if i gun my engine and just floor it?" alaaa, macam cite speed tu... i wouldn't call myself an adrenaline junkie but there's no reason why i can't dream big. if the wright brothers can fly, hell, there's no reason why my waja couldn't help me do the trick. but the thought of having my head crack open, leaving bits and pieces of my unsightly brain matter floating towards masjid jamek stops me in my tracks. i may be all weird and full of silly ambitions but am nowhere near morbid. besides, what if i don't die? dah la berenang pun tak reti...

5. i always believe am gonna die young. okay, RELATIVELY young.
tak tau la apasal but ever since i could remember, i always believe that i'll die young. before my parents, before my siblings, before anyone close to me. no car accidents, no train wrecks, no dramatic explosions for me. in my mind, i'll breathe my last few breaths on a hospital bed, surrounded by the people i love most (and who love me best). i can't quite place the cause of death yet coz then i'll be a tukang tilik yang berjaya pulak but something tells me am gonna go quietly, after a long battle with a certain kind of illness. no fanfare, no fuss, exactly the complete opposite of who i am/was. everyone's gonna be all sad and mopey (especially me coz i'll be thinking about that penthouse in hell!!) but they'll move on with their lives the minute i say my final goodbyes. so tak berhati perut... benciii!!

6. i eat everything with ketchup. EVERYTHING.
everyone who knows me know that i can't live without ketchup -- it's like the bottle and i are conjoined twins or something! i consume ketchup with almost everything -- nasik, kfc, mcdonalds, cheese, nasi lemak, meehoon, sliced bread, pizza... you name it, i'll find every excuse to slather my food with lots and LOTS of tomato sauce. i think the insanity started when my eldest brother asked a younger me to help gaul his nasik with ketchup. i saw the bright pinkish red color and thought, "wow, that is so fascinating" and immediately wanted to taste the concoction. one suap and i was hooked baby. i never did outgrow my addiction. now i stash at least 4 jumbo sizes of heinz ketchup in the house and whenever i wanna travel, i make sure i nick enough mcdonald's mini ketchup packets before the trip. i don't know what will happen to me (and those nearby) if i don't get my constant ketchup fix. i don't intend to find out.

there. now you know. am a big-ass weirdo. now i need all these other weirdos to spill!!

1. nina
2. amir
3. zan
4. zals (you do it on my blog k!)
5. nicole
6. pian (i know you read my blog so write dammit!!)

okay, i'll be waiting with bated breasts!!!

ape sudah jadi??!!

now my blog looks like a blahdy cupcake!!!

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKK!!!

As promised... Elliott Yamin "Wait For You"

yummmmmy yamin :)

elliott yamin is out with an album!! am soooooooooo the very sexcited!!!! now all those hicks and the mcphevers can really go to hell!!

better hair, brand new set of teeth -- MY idol is rockin' it hot, hot, hot!!!!

yes dammit yes, i'll "wait for you" yamin!!

ish, tak malu, dah tua tapi sound like a loser groupie...

*will post his video soon as it becomes available :)

hitam itu tak menawan!

i haven't even been back for a day and already am utterly miserable. the vespa lx 50 i so looked forward to calling my other 'baby' turned out to be a complete sham. yeah, she was 'dressed' in that pretty shade of red but instead of having a brown, leather look-alike seat cover (something the dealer promised), we had to settle for a black one! u-g-g-gl-y!!! so tak stylo!!

and instead of nodding and saying "we'll still take it," i completely snapped at the guy for misleading us, then made a face, stormed off and locked myself in 'betsy blue.' buruk kalau pompuan tua mengamuk i know, but i just don't care anymore. call me superficial but the only reason i wanted the scooter was coz she looked cool. different. now with this sad excuse for a seat cover, she looked like any other cheap broad on the island. and i just can't have that!!!

seven months of waiting and for what?! i felt like crying. and throwing something to the wall. good thing i don't have a goldfish or any fat pet running around the house. kalau tidak, penyet jugak benda tu...

yeaaa yeaaa... balik kampung!!!

i hope the u.s. customs won't be their bitchy and paranoid self tomorrow. i've got my passports (baru dan lama) and all the supposedly important documents ready (to prove that am now a resident of bermuda and tak tergedik-gedik nak duduk u.s.) so no one better be raining on my damn parade okay!! and if i don't get on that jetblue plane bound for jfk, i swear, "somebody's gonna get a hurt real bad."

didn't i tell you? am coming home people!! yeeeeehaaaaaaaaaaaawww!!!!! jesus, finally. i thought this day would never come...

i've already got tons of to do's stored in my head -- people to meet, cheeks to kiss, swear words to use, asses to stare at -- but these are a few things which came out tops (not in any particular order of course):

-makan roti canai
-bitching sessions with ma' girls
-potong and steam rambut
-lepak in kampung baru (read: melantak nasi kerabu, nasi dagang, sup tulang, ayam percik)
-get some serious facials
-strong arm my mom to see a specialist for that never ending lenguh in her right elbow
-beli shitloads of pirated dvds
-give my niece and nephew a heart attack (boncit and abam don't know am coming back... surpise!!)
-pekena a few rounds of kueh teow kerang belakang restoren syed, kelana jaya
-take a trip back to taiping

i'll be home for slightly more than a month so kita calling-calling la nanti!! err... that is if my maxis line still works *gulp*

i lite :)

so who cares if the colts weathered the storm to beat the bears 29-17 in last night's superbowl. dah la quarterbacks sume hancus, tak hensem langsung!!

thank God for the ads man, kalau tak, dah lama tv tu pecah...

makan besar la kita nampaknyer!!

it's february 1st and you know what that means -- ma' best bitches, ZAB and JOE JER have officially crossed the finish line to become the first ever JUARA of the amazing race asia!!

yabedabeduuuuuuuuuu!!!!!

bagai nak menangis rasa... infact dah menangis dah pun. and i haven't even seen the gut wrenching final episode, no thanks to sony pictures who yanked everything t.a.r.a off youtube!

i promised joe jer i'd say something clever on this page but sorry la sister, am like, waaaay too happy and excited. am dumb, err... numb. am just so the very proud of you both, with or without the us100k.

what the hell??!! who am i kidding la?? why do you think i tolerated all your nonsense for this long?? i always knew it's only a matter of time before you both win (or steal) something... somehow, somewhere. so pony up bitches, i know where you live. roti canai sekeping (extra garing) just won't cut it no more...

muhahahahahahahahahaha!!! *very very, very evil laugh*

*eh btw, can get datukship onot make malaysia proud like this? what you think?

my moo theory

i just found out that some chick up in connecticut has the hots for my hubby. she saw his goofy face on my pal's friendster page and thought, "he's cute!!" and immediately asked for an 'intro-intro'...

my first reaction, "elehhhh, ni mesti budak gemok and comot mana ni" as is usually the case with him and his admirers. but then i opened up her friendster page and lo and behold, the lady is smokin' hot!! well, not as hot as moi of course, otherwise why would he choose me over some other sepet and boncit girls out there, right? so after 15 gallery views and much scrutinizing, i flipped. i mean, how dare this surgeon-to-be wants to gatai-gatai with MY man!!

then i landed on solid ground. she's not with him. i am. why the melodrama then?

statistics show that nearly 60 percent of marriages today end in bitter divorces and many of those instances were due to the 'intrusion' of a third party. left and right, a number of my closest girlfriends have suffered sleepless nights, endless tears and a lifetime of heartbreak because the men in their lives decided to do a little 'after school research' to determine the color of the grass on the other side.

the blame is not solely the husbands' i say because the female cows grazing on those so called 'greener' pastures are made up of a new kind of breed -- the "tak mau bra" breed (i.e. the "tak tau malu" cloned with the "berani mati" breed). no longer are they a bunch of lazy hot blooded mammals content on mixing around with their own herd, these new age female cows are focused and fully committed in jumping across the fence to fraternize with the other livestocks. and that's what am afraid of most...

don henley strongly believes that "sometimes love just ain't enough" to which i say, i hear ya. if it's merely love, then i would have been married a long, long time ago... back when i had more hair on my head and more spring in my step. but i chose to play the waiting game and after 6 months, 17 days and 24 minutes, am happy to report that i made the right decision (... so far). God sent me a man who shares my religious beliefs, funny, temperamental, smart, loving, competitively anal, mature (well, almost), kind, a great friend. it's better than hitting the jackpot, it's almost as if i've won a lifetime supply of food at the local all-you-can-eat-chicken-buffet -- it's that good of a feeling. i finally feel secure.

and that's the first big mistake am making. if i should learn anything from my 'wounded' friends, it's never to feel secure about your marital bond, no matter how strong you believe it is. look at datuk k's ex, christie brinkley, hillary clinton. none of these women saw it coming, then bam! bye-bye happy marriage, hello tramp...

i may have really lucked out with MY man but as long as those "tak mau bra" cow breed exists, i vow to never rest easy. and if any one of them dare to come near my side of the green, i'll make sure to pull a reaaally mad cow on the bitch!

where art thou dr. spock?

i don't know what to write about anymore. my days are mundane, my nights, toksah cerita la. i've memorized the damn tv guide dari depan sampai lah ke belakang. and after so many social faux pas (e.g. mengumpat person a to person b only to realize, waaay into the thrashing session, that the two are actually closely connected!!), i've kept to the mantra, "if you got nutin' smart to say, then shut it." my life stories and my thoughts, i felt, was not worth sharing.

then bindi re-surfaced into my life. and my brain went into an overdrive.

i've never been a big fan of steve irwin. i first saw him on tv years ago, animated fellow that croc hunter. i don't know much about his wildlife conservation work but through my equally animated friend z (he loves to imitate steve's on-camera 'crikey' antics), i understood that mr. irwin meant a lot of good things to a lot of living beings. his tragic passing on september 4th last year, brought a public outpouring of sorrow once reserved for the princess of wales. "even creatures, great or small, grieved because they've lost the best friend they ever had." i didn't watch much of his memorial service, but i managed to catch irwin's very own 'wildlife warrior' at her best. i fell in love, in awe, instantly.

now, four months later, bindi is back. i watched her on ellen, access hollywood and i even stayed up late just to see her shine on larry king live. with proud mom terri by her side, bindi is all gusto and adult composure, talking about her hero and passion for continuing his wildlife legacy. now this kid is eight and she just lost her beloved daddy but listening to her talk about making the world, especially the animal world, a much better place, you can't help but wonder about the kind of parenting she had and continues to have.

how do you raise a child to be so thoughtful, kind, strong and smart like bindi? i know a number of children who are wise beyond their years but most who are gifted this way, i have to say, are 'socially inept.' either they are shy or insolent or just completely too cutesy they become irritating after a while. it's almost as if smartness comes at a heavy price -- no parent, no matter how much time and good they put into a child, can ever have that 'balanced' package. at least not when they're eight.

i hope to have a kid in this lifetime but how do i do it right? of course no one's perfect but don't you want your child to have bindi-like qualities? to beam with pride and not cringe everytime your little 'angel' opens his/her mouth. to be able to let your tiny tot run loose into the world without having to apologize profusely to the entire hospital waiting room coz' your 'precious' is sprawled on the floor wailing and with his pants down. to know that she is not always about 'things' but sometimes about thoughtfulness. how, do tell me, do you raise a child that's on the mark?

i know they've cloned dolly the sheep but can they clone bindi the sweet?

*go to youtube.com and type 'bindi on ellen degeneres' for latest footage. problems uploading

biskut oh biskut

damn you martha stewart for making me look bad in the kitchen... the pistachio raisin biscotti you said was waaay easy to make burnt to hell!! and yes, i did, like a complete idiot, try to scrape off all the 'kesan hangus'... now am left with more crumbs than biscotti. and i hate you guida de laurentis, with all your perky exuberance and white pearly teeth, for looking completely 'untarnished' at the end of your 30-minute show. i still have all this gunk in my hair so no, i do not wanna try anymore of your everyday italian recipes!!

little miss sunshine indeed!

for those who haven't seen this lil' sundance genius... go, go, go check it out. kitaorang ketawa sampai guling-guling atas tanah... ok i exaggerate. sampai nak terkincit jugak lah. what a great way to start the new year!

on your mark... get set...

am clueless about 2007 but here are some of the more important things i've learnt in 2006:

-food tastes so much better in the company of close friends
-i make killer muffins!!
-bermuda is not part of the bahamas
-sharing a life (with the right person) is worth the wait
-celebrate today. tomorrow may come with much sorrow
-always, always put aside some money if you think you'll ever get married... esp. if you want to kahwin lari
-am anal retentive, semak sikit je and i boleh naik giler
-someone needs to give dubya a real tight head slap to wipe that smirk off his face
-you will definitely gain weight if all you do (all day) is watch soap operas and eat yummy brownies
-breaking up with someone you still love is hard. very hard
-am not very 'animated' without my friends
-milo tastes so much better in malaysia
-contrary to popular belief, am not ready to be a mommy yet
-my (pink) kitchen aid mixer can do magic!!
-am without a doubt, not a morning person
-moving away from one's comfort zone is an uphill battle
-i don't love britney no more ya'll. her p**** is yucky
-no job = no money = no independence = no peace of mind? (the jury is still out on this one...)
-gq is a kiddie mag. vanity fair rocks!
-writing is the surest bet to keep my sanity intact
-take a gazillion pictures of those you love (esp. when they're making stoopid faces). you'll never know when you need a good picker-upper
-not all men are scum but the few who are should meet john bobbit's fate
-love alone does not suffice. respect, trust and the ability to melawak help make a relationship work
-skinny jeans are created for those with 'landing strip' asses. yeeehaaaaw!
-pak lah without endon is pak lah without a backbone
-life is short. be kind, smile more and stop saving your fancy sheets for those so-called 'special' occasions
-malaysia has my heart

happy 2007. may it be significant and "spark"ling in more ways than one. keep safe :)

membesar sebagai johan

"Ambition is the last refuge of the failure"

Oscar Wilde

2006 is almost over. pejam celik, pejam celik, time certainly did go by so fast. and for the first time in many many years, am without job, ambition nor resolution. giler ke hape?

when i was busy slaving myself away infront of those damned editing machines once upon a time, one thought kept playing in my head, "bila la bila aku nak berenti kerja ni?" i kept bitching about my ungodly working hours, time spent away from my family, friends... good food. my right brain was, on several occasions, screaming murder. THAT was not the life i should be living. or so i thought.

now that am jobless and with absolutely nothing but time on my hands, i begin to wonder if i should have wished for something other than the gift of listlessness. hmmm...

*and if mr. wilde was right, then i must be the biggest success story of the new year. nice.

santa mu santa ku jua...

it was supposed to happen at 6:30pm. sharp. i started shitting in my pj's 5 hours before that.

a week ago my friendly neighbors gave out colorful flyers informing us that today will be the day that a throng of kids will go door-to-door singing christmas carols. i read that and my first reaction was, "yaaay fun!" then it hit me. what do i, a person who doesn't even know the difference between protestants, catholics and evangelicals, know about christmas carol rituals? i began to menggelabah...

what do i do when they come knocking? open the door, hold a candle, pretend to hum "la, la, la, la" and sway my body in full carol rhythm? or do i smile, hand out treats then wave them away? or better still, do i admit that am an ignorant bitch who thought "i saw mommy kissing santa claus" was a song about a two-timing whore? i was in trouble.

so i did the obvious. i started shutting the blinds at 6, turned off all the lights at 6:15 and muted the tv at 6:25. by 6:30pm, our house was 'empty.'

everything went according to plan but like all drama swasta takde bajet, something had to go wrong. at exactly 6:37 i felt the urge to 'go.' no, no, not #1... #2!! i didn't know what to do -- the bathroom is outside, at the end of the hallway and am trapped inside, in the master bedroom. and in the dark!

so what's a girl of my caliber do? i paced around in circles and when that didn't work, i jumped up and down, moaning cibai, cibai, cibai under my breath like a thief who just stubbed his toe against the leg of an unseen table. what if i dash out and the kids are already at the door? aiyo, die la like this...

then i heard the engine. YES!! my knight in his not so shiny kapcai is back!! i carefully peeked through the blinds and when i saw that it was really him, i unlocked myself, waved hello and ran like a speeding bullet to the bathroom. aaaaaaaaaaaahhh.... as i sat down smiling, i thought to myself, "padan muka dia, now it's his problem."

but because we're birds of the same feather, he decided that he too was chicken shit. so we crept out the door (sans porch lights) and headed straight for the bike. and as he was struggling with the passenger footrests, i heard a familiar sound. i looked to my right and they there were, the christmas carolers, all laughter and smiles, singing their little hearts out.

a part of me felt a huge sense of relief for not having to pretend to be all cool and slick about christmas caroling but the other part of me felt regret. am one who's always up for a jolly good time and the look on the children's faces clearly screams jolly with a capital J but because i let fear get the better of me today, i missed out on a beautiful thing.

moral of the story: i need to learn some christmas carols and the do's and don'ts for next year's bash. that and am also printing out lyrics to "lagu tiga kupang" for the kids to memorize. that way when i come knocking on their doors asking them to join me in my celebrations, they won't run away scared and shitting in their pants :)

have a merry christmas yo!!

in memoriam

not much happened last week. live. breathe. same ol same ol. i was bored to DEATH. then an offline message. "sm passed away this morning..."

that jolted me. hard. i stared into space, not knowing what to think. 31. she was just 31.

then it all came rushing back. she was the very first person, with her smiling eyes and rambut tocang, who was brave enough to befriend me when i landed in convent kota in standard two. she had the skinniest legs ever. she (ok, her mom) threw some of the fun-nest birthday parties a kid could wish for. she was one of my best 'bicycle buddies'... always willing to take the trip up and down the hill to get to my place. she had a visible whitish stain on one of her front teeth. she held my hand, booed the rest but cheered me on at a pertandingan bercerita at anderson, ipoh. she had the biggest heart.

life happened and like most childhood friendships, she and i fizzled. but in that little time we spent together, she was to me, a wonderful friend, a warm fuzzy ball of delight to have around.

another very close friend of mine 'left' me a few years back. the ‘big c’ took her two days before my 26th birthday and her death set my world into a tailspin. always a survivor, we never talked about death, we only spoke about the joys of living. when her colleague called to say that she was in icu, i took my own sweet time -- powdered on some make-up, perfected my mascara -- only to arrive five minutes too late. i never did get to say bye-bye.

last year i went to a funeral filled with a sea of young faces. to be honest, i still don’t know why i braved the rain to pay my last respects -- i hardly knew the deceased. the only thing we had in common was our love for the spoken words but on the very few occasions that we did meet, i remember thinking, “this chick will go places…” indeed she did but it was a trip cut too short, too soon. she was barely 30.

i don’t know what to make of this. of DEATH. no matter how many ‘early’ goodbyes i’ve had the misfortune of soldiering through, it never does get any easier. the shock, denial, sadness, anger, acceptance… practice certainly doesn’t make it perfect.

my aunt passed away recently and a few days before she drew her final breath, she looked me in the eye and said, “nanti kita jumpa lagi yer…” scared and unprepared as i may be, i hope to God i will meet her again one day. her and the very important few i never got a chance to say goodbye to…


*syerina is on the right. pejoh was one of her good friends. still is.