mr. seri wangi

"biar orang buat kita. kita jangan buat orang."

...that's why i never did give my big sister a whack in the head everytime she kacau me masa kecik kecik dulu. i just let my dad and his tali pinggang do the talking... hehehe :)

it's a day late but i just wanted to wish ayah happy father's day. you're way too cool for school... *wink*

...and to all you boys who have morphed into men overnight, you are an inspiration.

yoga me silly

am starting to like yoga. correction. am starting to LOVE yoga.

for the past eight weeks i've been bending, contorting and twisting my body into various shapes and forms. why exactly, i have no idea. it started as a real cheap trick to watch my man suffer. he's always been saying, "kita ni makan je keje, bila nak exercise ni? perut you dah boncit sangat dah tu..." so in an effort to kenakan dia balik, i signed BOTH of us up for yoga at the community center. he thought this union between the mind, body and spirit was a stroll in the park until he realized that he's the only thorn amongst the roses. haha, padan muka. kecut kote kote :)

well, the joke was on all of us really.

the teacher looked and acted nothing like a yoga devotee. always hurried and a major goofball, she made us all swing our hips to hoola hoops soon as we walked in that first day of class. it wasn't a pretty sight lemme tell you - breasts, pouches and asses started flapping everywhere - but it sure did break the ice. at ease, yes, that we were but everyone was still skeptical about this unfit looking chatty woman who was limping around the room with a cast on her right leg. SHE is gonna teach us yoga? isn't there a written rule somewhere that a yoga instructor is supposed to have christy turlington's curves and madonna's bulging biceps? i looked to my left. oh yeah, my man the lone ranger was about ready to kill me.

we were dead wrong about her. by week two, the cast was off, the limping and the prejudices disappeared. the warrior, the fish, the cobra and the lotus emerged. none of us knew what the hell we were doing so we tried our hardest to follow her lead. some of us knocked our heads on the floor, a few giggled themselves silly, a lady almost threw her back from showing off and my man was sweating like a whore in a church. me? well, turns out am somewhat related to gumby the ultimate clayboy.

while the rest of the gang struggled with the various poses, i became this lil' miss show off everyone secretly wants to have a smackdown with. downward facing dog pose, check. mountain pose, check. half lord of the fishes pose, check. plank pose, check. macam ada jin masuk dalam badan coz whatever ache and pain i've always felt in my joints all these years miraculously disappeared soon as i stepped onto the mat. b.k.s. iyengar, the 88-year old boncit grand master of yoga must have seen me in his vision and thought, "she's suffered enough embarassment in her life. let's give this particular moron a break."

so given all this good fortune coming my way, am starting to love yoga. i dunno if am gonna become a permament member of this global yogalution like so many of my hip friends but until i break my neck trying to maneuver the more complex asanas, am gonna stick to being lil' miss gumby yogi.

besides, they did say you can have better sex through yoga right?

this is why am great at scrabble...

i found this on the urban dictionary website...

word: BOBFOC

meaning: body off baywatch, face off crimewatch. a person who possesses a killer body but has a face that only a mother could love.

sentence: "aiyo, why la tina so the BOBFOC? potong steam siut!!"

kahkahkahkahkah!!! i can think of a few people who fit the description. i can't name names though, takut kena sepak :)

my friend...

my friend is in love. the kind that makes your heart skips two beats, palms sweaty, feet jittery. the kind that gives you wings to fly and courage to stand tall. the once in a lifetime kind.

a generous, religious, selfless married woman, my friend has found her eternal soulmate in someone else's husband.

her heart has never been this full before and yet, she's never experienced this kind of emptiness either. instead of rejoicing and celebrating, she is slumped in a corner, silently crying her heart to pieces. what do you do when the one you ache for belongs to another? how do you explain to the person sleeping next to you that he no longer has your heart? and what do you tell the little ones when they see mommy walking out on daddy?

we judge too easily. i have always believed that those who fall for someone else's husbands/wives are home wreckers, vicious beings causing ripples in an otherwise calm water. but when i hear my friend pouring her heart out, i suddenly became a sympathizer. i begin to really understand that sometimes the best kind of love is also the worst kind of love. and no one really, is at fault.

"when you love someone, set them free. if they come back to you, then they're yours. if they don't, it was never meant to be..."

how do you let go of something you've been needing all your life? how do you make do with what you have when every bone in your body knows that there's something better out there? how do you tell your heart to stop loving the one you're suppose to love?

i wish my friend well. am with her, every step of the way. whatever she decides, good or bad, right or wrong, i pray that Allah has her in the palm of His hands...

a rose by any other name...

i have a new name. and it's a mighty stylish one.

CIK KEK tepen.

"baking cake is my hobby, mencekik cake is my passion."

and am from taiping.

you like? i loveeeeeee :)

my friend, n came up with the name coz whenever she calls or emails, am always in the midst of either membuat or mencekik cake. befitting.

i've been given quite a few monikers over the years, some good, some very thought provoking: sari ar, teksar, barnie, lembu, acu, miss piggie, gebu, si boncit, cina, beeyatch. no disrespect to all my other names, but cik kek tepen really hits a spot.

i dig it so much that if i ever do open up a cake shop back home, am gonna name it just that.

takut tak?

oh tidak...

... so there i was at the pharmacy, lining up, waiting to pay for my vaseline and magazine. lembab, lembab, lembab.

and then, without warning, i saw them. spread out on the counter were the biggest, fattiest, juiciest man fingers i have ever seen!! my eyeballs almost popped out. the dude had mini-size sausage rolls as fingers. besar giler!!

i didn't know what to do or where better to look so i slowly craned my neck sideways, without actually moving my head (macam iklan sakit tengkuk), hoping to see the owner of an 'instrument' of such magnitude. orang puteh rupanyer. but kejap, i thought, based on my extensive porno knowledge, those kinda sizes are exclusive to mat mat itam?! i learn something new everyday.

my mouth was still hanging open when i walked out the door. if his fingers are that big, then his you-know-what must be...

God save the hole. amen.

apolo 13 takes off!!

i don't care how many olympic gold medals he won in speed skating, my half-jap boy apolo anton ohno finally snagged the only one that counts!!

aku nak join dancing with the not-so stars jugak!!!

jangan tunggu lama-lama...

it's may. 2007. same time almost 10 years ago, i graduated into life.

i don't remember much about that rainy day except that my parents were there. happy, giddy, ayah even borrowed a button down suit from my brother for the ocassion. the rain got into our eyes but we didn't care, we were oblivious to our surroundings. cik looked terrified in most of the pictures. i don't think she's ever seen that many mat salleh mabuk around her as she did that morning.

i also remember thinking, "wow! this is it. am done. am ready to face the world." yeah, right. who was i kidding? looking up at the heavens above, i was almost sure i was crapping in my pants...

go to any job interview and one of the questions they'll ask is, "where do you see yourself in 5-10 years?" i never did know how to answer that question. while all my close friends were busy lining up job interviews with fortune 500 companies during career week, i was actively living up to my proverbial slacker status. i spent months trying to decide whether or not i should just bum around kl for a whole year or continue on to graduate school immediately. the latter obviously didn't happen (long story) so for well under twelve months, i ended up doing absolutely everything unproductive with what little money i had. life was going pretty good until people around me, people MY age, started exchanging that lil' rectangular pieces of paper called business cards. "saya sam. s-u-m. sam." holy fuck. i was terrified. and that's when i really started thinking about what i was gonna do for the next 5-10 years of my life...

today, after several meaningful career changes (and mishaps), am back to square one. i have no job and no set goals for the future. one would think that at almost 32, i would actually have a blueprint of what lies ahead. right? wrong. i am now at my clueless-ness peak. and once again, i am awfully terrified.

i was supposed to attend two cooking courses to learn about the complexity of french pastries. i kept checking the calendar, week in and week out, making sure that i don't miss those dates i circled. guess what? i missed those dates. i am so angry at myself. living here, with no real responsibilities, no set purpose in life, i tend to forget the day, the date, the month, the year. i know my classes are in may but what i didn't realize... it's already may. i am unfortunately, still stuck at fucking april.

i can't live like this. i won't live like this. bak kata the king of pop, "am gonna make a change for once in my life, it's gonna feel real good, gonna make a difference, gonna make it right." am of course not gonna start molesting little boys (although i really don't mind younger men heheh) but what i intend to do now is make some adjustments to my monotonous island existence. no more chatting online til the wee hours of the morning, enough staying in bed after 10am -- sleep early, wake up fresh. am gonna start running again and yes, i will even (God save my soul) take up that offer to golf. i promise to be more serious about my baking (that's my cupcake up there!) and being 'green.' who knows, if am really good at this change for the better thingie, i might even have a baby. *gasp* you're right, let's not push it...

will i make it? who knows, but i certainly don't wanna wait another 5-10 years to find out.

the bitch is back in full swing babeeey!!

shrek is baaaaaack!!!

helping a friend spread the love around :) if you have questions or qualms, do contact Eliza Rahman at eliza@irm.org.my or at the numbers below:

Islamic Relief Berhad (No.657354-W )
31-7, Jalan SP 2/1, Taman Serdang Perdana
43300 Seri Kembangan, Selangor
Tel : +603-8948 6334

kita memberi,
mereka merasa.
this way,
we can all live happily ever after :)

*man, i should have been on the pantun empat kerat team in school...

of pixels, prints and paradise...

mama's got a brand new toy!! suke nyerrrr saye!!

haven't really figured out the workings of my d80 but here are some initial images of bermuda.

are you enjoysssss???!!!

a page from my past...

the year was 2002. i just came out of a relationship that wasn't really a relationship. i wanted to find love, he was merely looking for opportunities to give his 'boys' a bit of an exercise. hey, no hard feelings. different people have different wants at different times in their lives. horny yes, but at least he was honest. no mystery there. "setan" on the other hand, was a completely different story.

we met at a hari raya open house. good food, great company. i was immediately taken by him, pandai betul dia bercakap -- politics, history, religion -- semua dia sapu.

it was short and intense, 3 months give and take, but the relationship felt like a lifetime. we met every single day, talked about every single thing. i was NEVER bored. he said i was his girlfriend. yabedabedu. i was stoked.

i should have seen the signs. "why are you wearing your pagoda t-shirt in public? you're getting heavy, you should think about losing weight. my grandfather the datuk seri wants to meet me next week. can you please not stand like that, you're embarassing me." i've had fucked-up relationships before but what the hell did i get myself into this time around?

then it happened. the cheating. of course i was the only moron who didn't know about his "escapades." the man blamed asiaworks (yes, that damn expensive self-help workshop for gullible idiots who needed direction in their lives) for wanting out, calling me a "negative influence" in his life. and this coming from a person who only dated me because i was on tv. what a jackass.

am at a happy place in my life right now. but knowing that setan is still roaming around out there, handing out business cards, using his charm, prowess and dad's name to stake his next victim, gets my blood to a rapid boil.

ladies and gentlemen, that karma thing, does it ever work?

dan pemenangnya ialah...

woaaaahhh!!! i've won the THINKING BLOGGER award!! me?? thinking?? shopper mom must be high on glue or something. someone hose her down quick!!

i have no idea who she really is -- no name, no face, nada. she ain't giving me anything. all i know is that she's downright crazy about shopping, thinks am somewhat of a nutcase (she's sharp, this one tehehehe...) and somehow my bouts of neurosis gets her juices flowing. nice :)

two things:

1) thank you so much, i really appreciate the honor.
am at my wits end here in bermuda and that's mostly why i write. i never aim to be smart nor do i aspire to be the next james frey-like chump of an author. i miss my friends dearly and the easieast way for me to get my drama across (my days of bergayut berjam-jam on the phone are over man) is via the blog. these are my stories -- my insecurities, my beliefs, my fear, my anger, MY shit. i never pretended to be someone am not. and if my written words get people thinking and/or ketawa terkekeh kekeh... hey, that's a big bonus :)

2) damn you shopper mom, it's all downhill from here.
i've never won anything before (if you don't count that hari raya hamper from menara kl full of benda makan mengarut) so this recognition is huge to me. but hell, what now? you said you read my blog because i occasionally tickle your funny bones. shit. now everyone who has the bad fortune of stumbling onto my blog will expect me to be funny. mampos. i don't do very well under pressure you know. if this was the academy awards and i just won best actress, i'd be cashing my pre-nup check right about now.

either way, terima kasih banyak-banyak for letting me believe, even if it's just for a fraction of a second, that i too, a person who got f9 for spm add maths (sebab tulis surat cinta instead of tulis jawapan), can inspire thinking. cikgu eni would be oh so proud.

now i have to think of 5 blogs (other than my friends') that have the same effect on ME. hmmmm...

dina zaman -- because she makes writing about the hardest topics look so easy. and because she sounds like someone i'd be friends with.
suhaimi sulaiman -- because he's fearless. no walls, just words.
3540 jalan sudin -- because i love her tuesdays with bapak series. they tug at the heart. and am sentimental that way.
write lah! -- because i once thought he was cute. and because i love good writers who are genuinely worth the read.
perez hilton -- because am a gossip whore.

eh, dah penat-penat pikir ni tak dapat trophy ke, ape ke?

dear mr. president

i've always loved pink -- now, i really know why. what would happen you think, if ade artis m'sia actually writes a similar song to our dear pm?

mama malaysia

i wrote this when i was in m'sia but for some technical reason, wasn't able to get it posted on my blog. i don't wanna press delete.

i've decided that i really do love my home. and its people.

well, some of them at least.

i had my mammogram done last friday. the wait was torture but the experience was anything but. i sat around a group of very interesting middle-aged ladies who were insistent that am chinese. i told them "no, no, saye melayu..." but no one seemed to buy my story. i usually get annoyed and/or offended when strangers give me the "eh muka cina, kenapa nama melayu" third degree but this time, i felt amused by their endless inquisitions. maybe it was the radioactive kicking in or maybe it was just the fact that i was already eavesdropping on their conversations way before they started shifting their focus on me.

"hiya, why don't you go to that famous senseh on jalan silang? yes lah, those shophouses maaah... can buang all your angin one..."

"she's 64 ke?! she looks sooo young!! do you know she's 64?? kulit sume tegang macam umur 50 tahun ni!! malu la i like this. you... you how old?"

"you think i'm fat now? auntie, you should tengok me a few months ago. i'm double my size. you tau i buat ape selama ni? i tak makan nasi you know..."

"eh why you're here one? you sooo young. you're lucky you know. we're old like this only know about this mammogram business. eh but yes la yes, it's never too late for aything. smart la you."

"your mom and sisters had breast cancer? don't worry, don't worry. everything will be alright. i'm 64. i know."

to most, these women may sound like people who love to jaga tepi kain orang but if you ask me, i believe those "kakak-kakak" i met were genuinely concerned and interested in the myriad of stories surrounding them... and i for one, found their spirit of camaraderie, weirdly comforting.

i've been back for slightly more than 3 weeks now and so far, the hot topic of discussion that keeps popping up in my daily conversations with friends and families (apart from "kenapa linda onn tidak muncul di karpet merah oscars") is how corrupt (malay)sians politicians are. pak lah, kj, state government officials... semua sama. semua makan duit rakyat. values are lost, personal integrity squandered. i shudder to think about what's gonna happen to this country in 15-20 years. the way our so-called leaders are running malaysia today, i don't even know if my unborn children will have a tanahair they can proudly call home tomorrow... *sigh*

it was my good fortune to have met the ladies at the national cancer society in kampung baru. they may not be some hoity toity puan sri's or datin sri's with coiffured hair and million dollar homes to boot but they were to me, the genuine articles. the real hands that rock our future cradles. they may (to some) lack all the worldly sophistication but they come fully loaded with conviction and very good intentions. jenis yang tak mintak disogok duit -- buat kerja, beri nasihat dengan hati yang ikhlas.

and if those man-eating $harks don't get to them (and their kind) fast enough, i can honestly say, masih ada harapan untuk malaysia... to at least continue to grow as a country we all can be proud of to call home.

i need some answers!!

okay someone puhleeeseee explain this to me now -- why the hell is GNOME not pronounced 'je-nome'...?!!! why is it only 'nome?' where did that G disappear to? what, was the G soooo unimportant that she has to be left out of the word's pronounciation?! gorilla is no 'o-rilla' and giraffe certainly ain't 'ee-raffe' so who pandai-pandai silenced the damned G?!

and the more important question is, what the hell are gnomes anyway? are they santa's lil bastards or just some unemployed midgets standing around scaring off the neighborhood kids?!

someone get me something to do!! NOW!!

intro to weirdness 101

i've been tagged!! i've been tagged!! I HAVE BEEN TAGGED!!!

okay, as peghak as it may sound, am so excited to the point of being giddy. tangan tangan habih menggeletar sume ni. yes, yes, i know being "tagged" is not a big deal but excuseeeeeeeeeeee me!!! L has given me a reason to write about something other than my mundane life so that to me, is a big cause to celebrate!!

"People who are tagged should write a blog post of 6 weird things about them as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave a comment that says ‘you are tagged’ in their comments and tell them to read your blog."

6 weird things about me? matila, we're gonna be here all day. but okay, before we begin, lemme just say that i don't find any of my "traits" weird. i simply call them... "unique." as long as we're all clear on that...

1. i have great fascination for two human inventions: post-it notes and squeegees.
i don't really care about the latest iphone or the hoopla surrounding blu-ray discs nor do i give a rat's ass about the all-new bmw x5. but ask me about the two things in life that make my lil' head spin with wonder (apart from heinz ketchup which we will get to in a moment!) and my face will go kelip kelap kelip kelap. one, the super stationery solution called post-it notes and two, that blade-like thingie the banglas use to clean your car windshield and all things glass, the squeegees. i can't fully explain why i like them so much or when my fascination started but all i know is this -- i steal post-it notes every chance i get and a certain area in my body gets a certain kind of "itch" everytime i see a squeeqee being used. there. weird enough for you?

2. i like to examine my stool sample.
yes, my poop. i like to study them. you know, after those "brrrrrrtttttt, plop plop plop" and all the "aaaaahhhhsss," i'd look down into the toilet bowl and really take the time to examine my poop. you think am sick? elehhh... sudah lah! put it this way, some of you ladies out there have babies right... and day in day out, you feel responsible for that little creature that came out of YOU. you clean your tots, you check to see if they they need anything and you make sure things are alrite because you want the product of your own invention to be at its maximum potential. right? yeah, same thing with me and my poopies -- i feel a sense of pride and ownership when it comes to them. i know i've been a good girl if it's fat and juicy, a dehydrated whore if they're green and stinky and an absolute champ if it's an endless, "uninterrupted" production -- no breaks in between, just one clean, long, twirly line of poop. that's when am proudest. i used to compare my "success" stories with one of my close guy friends but his then awek now wife was really turned off by that so we stopped having our mindless chatter. but that doesn't mean i've put a complete full stop to being gross... :)

3. i like to look at women.
i'm no ellen nor rosie but i have to admit that i do "appreciate" the fairer sex. especially their bosoms. unlike most women who would stand around oogling at good looking men, my eyes have always been drawn to those female passerbys with nice set of racks. i don't just look, i would instead compare sample a to sample b and c and then proceed to grade their goods. i don't like em' too big like pam anderson, i value those of vanessa minnillo's (mtv vj and nick lachey's man purse) and especially scarlett johansson's -- just the right size, with the right amount of kelondehan. that's when you know the tatas are the real deal. my perverted male friends (and husband) love that i think the way they do -- we'd get into heated discussions about bra sizes, maintaining perky breasts, hantu kopek and all sorts of nonsense our r-rated minds can conjure. and when all is said and done, i'd go back to looking at dem apples...

4. i sometimes daydream about "flying."
for years, to get home from work, i would frequent that fly-over from jalan kuching heading into jalan sultan ismail (the one near sime darby). and every single time i was at that elevated position, at that specific corner overlooking the sungai down below, i would always ask myself, "how would it feel if i gun my engine and just floor it?" alaaa, macam cite speed tu... i wouldn't call myself an adrenaline junkie but there's no reason why i can't dream big. if the wright brothers can fly, hell, there's no reason why my waja couldn't help me do the trick. but the thought of having my head crack open, leaving bits and pieces of my unsightly brain matter floating towards masjid jamek stops me in my tracks. i may be all weird and full of silly ambitions but am nowhere near morbid. besides, what if i don't die? dah la berenang pun tak reti...

5. i always believe am gonna die young. okay, RELATIVELY young.
tak tau la apasal but ever since i could remember, i always believe that i'll die young. before my parents, before my siblings, before anyone close to me. no car accidents, no train wrecks, no dramatic explosions for me. in my mind, i'll breathe my last few breaths on a hospital bed, surrounded by the people i love most (and who love me best). i can't quite place the cause of death yet coz then i'll be a tukang tilik yang berjaya pulak but something tells me am gonna go quietly, after a long battle with a certain kind of illness. no fanfare, no fuss, exactly the complete opposite of who i am/was. everyone's gonna be all sad and mopey (especially me coz i'll be thinking about that penthouse in hell!!) but they'll move on with their lives the minute i say my final goodbyes. so tak berhati perut... benciii!!

6. i eat everything with ketchup. EVERYTHING.
everyone who knows me know that i can't live without ketchup -- it's like the bottle and i are conjoined twins or something! i consume ketchup with almost everything -- nasik, kfc, mcdonalds, cheese, nasi lemak, meehoon, sliced bread, pizza... you name it, i'll find every excuse to slather my food with lots and LOTS of tomato sauce. i think the insanity started when my eldest brother asked a younger me to help gaul his nasik with ketchup. i saw the bright pinkish red color and thought, "wow, that is so fascinating" and immediately wanted to taste the concoction. one suap and i was hooked baby. i never did outgrow my addiction. now i stash at least 4 jumbo sizes of heinz ketchup in the house and whenever i wanna travel, i make sure i nick enough mcdonald's mini ketchup packets before the trip. i don't know what will happen to me (and those nearby) if i don't get my constant ketchup fix. i don't intend to find out.

there. now you know. am a big-ass weirdo. now i need all these other weirdos to spill!!

1. nina
2. amir
3. zan
4. zals (you do it on my blog k!)
5. nicole
6. pian (i know you read my blog so write dammit!!)

okay, i'll be waiting with bated breasts!!!

ape sudah jadi??!!

now my blog looks like a blahdy cupcake!!!

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKK!!!

As promised... Elliott Yamin "Wait For You"

yummmmmy yamin :)

elliott yamin is out with an album!! am soooooooooo the very sexcited!!!! now all those hicks and the mcphevers can really go to hell!!

better hair, brand new set of teeth -- MY idol is rockin' it hot, hot, hot!!!!

yes dammit yes, i'll "wait for you" yamin!!

ish, tak malu, dah tua tapi sound like a loser groupie...

*will post his video soon as it becomes available :)

hitam itu tak menawan!

i haven't even been back for a day and already am utterly miserable. the vespa lx 50 i so looked forward to calling my other 'baby' turned out to be a complete sham. yeah, she was 'dressed' in that pretty shade of red but instead of having a brown, leather look-alike seat cover (something the dealer promised), we had to settle for a black one! u-g-g-gl-y!!! so tak stylo!!

and instead of nodding and saying "we'll still take it," i completely snapped at the guy for misleading us, then made a face, stormed off and locked myself in 'betsy blue.' buruk kalau pompuan tua mengamuk i know, but i just don't care anymore. call me superficial but the only reason i wanted the scooter was coz she looked cool. different. now with this sad excuse for a seat cover, she looked like any other cheap broad on the island. and i just can't have that!!!

seven months of waiting and for what?! i felt like crying. and throwing something to the wall. good thing i don't have a goldfish or any fat pet running around the house. kalau tidak, penyet jugak benda tu...